today is a saturday... i have been sleeping alot for the pass 2 days..huh..gained weight...
i am starting to DESPISE my 2nd brother..he relly discriminate obese people...what the hell... he thinks that he is so handsome..but so what he can't handle relationships..he broke up with i countless girls...that he really shows how immature he is....
aniwaz...i have to REALLY BUCK UP. i have been slacking all the way.... need to concentrate...pass my exams and all...very impotant.. regret those days where i had the luxury time..but i don't make full use of it.....

today... i made my sister cry... i was supposedly to go to macdonald to have lunch with her...
but when sam called and told me that it today was the last day of school...i panicked and quickly hurried to school...i still don't understand why i did that...when i told sis about it..she was mad at me...she even cried....
i was so insensitive that i just don't care about it and left the house.... i felt guilty.. i was miserable..in the house and all..
then i decided to buy sis a card... went out of the bus... bought her card..and went to school....
saw sam and nan....
o.k.... then ais came.... i never studied..busy doing the card...
then mrs shobana asked ud to carry a few boxes from the general office to the staff office... i went in with nan,sam ,ais......
ais wanted to get autograph from mr yyy.... i saw him and gnallewd ais... saw cikgu karmen....his desk is so near mr yyy.... ais asked mr yyy for his autograph...he wrote...then gave ais back the book...he gave this genuine smile....and look at me.. i think i kan chong abit..haha
then we went out.... then we sat at our usual hangouts at the birdcage... the not long after...mr yyy ent home...he still smile with the genuine smile...my heart raced quite fast...i must remember, he belongs to someone else...huh.....
then ais,sam and i went to hawker centre..no food... we were hungry..so we bought instsnt food at cheers and we eat it....then sam went home.
ais and i went to eastpoint.. wanted to buy something for sis as a token of sorriness...haha
then i bought sis a blue dolphin mashmallow.... me bought A photoalbum.....
then ais bekenan with this mp3 and mp4 with games and built in camere... she put in deposit first...
then i went home..mum told me that has's mum called... then called then it was actually has...
my mum dialled back..it was total coincidental that has mum picked up the phone....
i eat with dad for dinner.. i cooked the eggs...
\then sis reach home..i was nervous..she look at the dolphin and smied.. then she read the card...and said that she was sorry too...
just finish chatting with my little cousin farid....kkz....end now

today is already HARI RAYA . so fast..next week my o levels exam starts..on monday...
can't believe how fast it can be.

saw mr yyy yesterday..make me happy...
has was hospitalised because she got a growth in her right ovaries.. but op already...but hope it has no infection...hope she is find and gonna be....


i have not seek forgiveness...so scared...
huh..kkz gtg

today is friday..tomorrow is deepavali...and tuesday would be hari raya... wah..so fast, can't believe that it has been nearly a month since i started fasting...
today i went to skol... sam said she would meet us.... we waited for he for i dunno when?
then.. ais, has and i decided to go into the skol...
saw sam there.... i was like.. alamak. we used a different stairs to avoid her.. at tha pint of time...i felt cheated....i was so mad.. has and ais wants me to cool down first before meeting sam... we went outside the office to search for mr yyy. ais borrowed his calculatr yesterday for science prac... we asked different and various kinds of teachers.. they say he wasn't there... we waited and waited the we decided to go to the library...
i did a malay coposition...then.. ais and has checed it for me...
it wasn't good comments..huh wat to do.. i sux at malay...
about 12.30 or so we decided to find mr yyy. he was juz next to the general office.. he was teachin two students...
he saw ais..then look at me..aha.. his eys twitched....then he didn't look...
it took us soe time to go and see sam at the birdcage... bt we went...
as i came down the stairs... sam looked angry... ican see mr yyy...at level 1 at where i was standing... he look at me..bu it caught the attention of one of the students...who also look at me.. then he start to teach again,,
sam was not happy with us..then we left...we went to e bookshops near the hawker centre..then decided to go back to skol...
by then sam wasn't mad at us..she pretened as if nothing happened... she is good at that...
but then has was in a foul mood...
think PMS...comin soon...
till bedok int..ais went home... i went to bedok library with has...she was a bit o.k..lah..
after that we went home..me, early reached home since..i can't remember..... then at home i told sis about mr yyy...she said eeeee..cause usually if that is a twitching prb..most probably it was a nervous thingy.... but i am soooo sad that i have to leave mr yyy...
even thou i am unhappy with sam this few days..but i am grateful to her because she took o level malay again because of me....at least there is a part of it.. thanks
about mr xxx..it has nearly been a month... wat the hell happened to him..ps come to skol soon
weird.. i usually chant mr xxx name..now it is mr yyy...huh..confused

yesterday...19 oct..wat the heck is goin on...
first i came in the mornin for prac.... wah..so esy but sum so difficult..think i am goin to fail my prac..have 2 work harder for my theory...
then in the afternoon..sam , alamak wat the heck..she shouted at me at the carpark and kept repaeting hate u lots of times..all because of this crush she like... she can be a self centered person..everything is about her..why? i just turned and walk away fom her...
then at night she called me... say is o.klah..but the fact is that i am actually dissapointed in her...

then ais ,has and i went to gelang..buying food to break fast....
then ais went home. has and i went to break fast at bedok int hawker centre.....after that we wALK a bit then eat ice cream....
we go home..afterwards...
at home..bro spoil my nite...whatever.sum1 call, i called 4 mum.... he shouted mum has slept.eh how he know got power ah.. then i repled mum has not sleep yet..then he kept quite..whatever

today mornin..me, going 2 skol..to c mr yyy..dunno his reactions..but i kinda miss him a bit...

yesterday got art.. i come late 2 skol.. wake up dam late..1 hour i though has would be made, but eh not bad eh...then do art... ais came.. me ,ais,has and nan sat at the art room playing with e computer..nan doing art...
then saw mr yyy downstair..got his cca.. wah mus so hapi..haha
saw ah hui..we all go together..
then frenz wan 2 sabo me they walk at his place. he saw mw loo. then i walked passed him..he not looking..but he look down and smile a bit.. can see..is obvious..he just makes me smile..


today morning.. alamak.. i want to go to sis school..mum think the negative things as usual... then tell dad..dad called..
i was like wat e hell..wat is their problem... but i am going aniwaz..don care.. i may seem selfish and all, but i can't let people control me all the time..

wah today was a tiring day..
morning run to meet has...cause nan can't make it and no way to contact has, so i go and tell has myself...given only 15 min..i would say that god was surely helping me...
go school for tempang's lesson..got learn sumthing....
after that took some more pics.... with tempang..cikgu sazali and karmin....and summore....
sam not happy the whole day bcause of tempang and his pic....
has, ais and i went to geylang...wah so tiring.. go here walk there.. haven't even break fast...
tired.... lucky made it home in time..'
the councillor. what the hell..doesn't even look with an eye.. then be nice to my friends... since grad day.. look at me like what... i know that mr xxx is hers, but don't be too offensive cause that would be the reason why they would break up.. i am not chasing after mr xxx..duhhh
never see mr yyy the whole day..nvm. think that biru has not enter friendster for a long time.. dun noe....? confused

hai....last night i search the yahoo for this guy i used to like...when i was in sec two i ,named him biru (blue)... i search for him in friendster..but it was in vain..i was dissapointed alot of times...but yesterday using the yahoo...i found him.. i browse through his friendster profile and finally add him... he was so near all along..sam actually add him for quite some time....i actually didn't notice it... i know that it sound weird, but yesterday, looking at his pictures make me have this feelings for him back..a bit only...i know, what the hell was i thinking.. i only cried for him once... and mr xxx was the one who made my feelings for biru dissapear.. funny isn't it...my feelings for mr yyy is dissapearing..i don't know..am i that bad?still wandering... whatever it is i did add him... i don't know if he would reject me..but i don't know..cause i have this feeling that he would accept... hope he would accept... but i think he hasn't update his profile for quite some time cause it stated that he was still in BVSS, but he is no longer in school anymore since beginning of this year...

i am terrified about my o levels... i can't concentrate.. i can't answer simple questions, and my science practical exam is this thursday... what am i supposed to do? my weakest subjects maths and science... wah lan neh...so difficult..but i shouldn't give up....rite..?
about mr xxx, i know that i am a bit selfish, but i don't care anymore, my doors for you might be closed, but who cares rite? you are not entering anyway..haha....
today is o.klah..huh..
lay down beside dad...like bonding..even though for few minutes only...
help mom a bit at kitchen and all. um persistendly asked me to bath...since i woke up really late..at 1p.m or so... can't believe that i slept for such a long time... sis o.k..she irritates me for70% of thid day when i am with her...made me mad... less than one hour to breaking fast..so.. iend now..bye...

today is graduation day for me..
it was such a dissapointment for me...he wasn't there..i cried and cried..i waited for him at the gate, and still mr xxx wasn't there..WHY?
only mr yyy, but it really didn't help... if he come to school this monday, then i'll hate him. i know it is selfish for me, but 'm tired of this. i just wanted him tocome on my grad day...but..his form class is grad too... i know that i am petty, but.....huh,
i cried, till i saw mr xxx picture at the screen. then i started to calmed down a bit...
not long after, i had to go up stage.. oh my gosh, i was so nervous..terrified...huh...don't know lah...
i was like a complete idiot up at stage... then mr yyy sat at the back..think saw me... after everything was over...has and i took pictures..one of them was with mr yyy. ahkim,,alamak...really embarrased me by saying " ==== happy got to take picture with her husband" in malay... mr YYY understand malay. he took malay o levels for goodness sake... we went to print the photo..there was this inconsiderate lady, taking her own sweet time.. i need to break my fast.... then we went to another shop... has and i boke our fast at the hawker centre near our school with nan...
then has and i went to geylang serai. there was alot of people..very crowded...
has bought her cloth..but repair a bit, so thid monday, we going back to collect it... then has and i went back to bedok interchange..i drank sugar cane while has drank pinaple. then there was this boy giving tissues...gave me free, dun want so gave him money... went back, bath, my parents not home yet.. talked to bro...
bro and i talked.. a bit..was o.k lah

can't believe how time flies..huh... today has was in a bad mood because of the art lesson being cancelled. and because i always came late when i have a meeting appointment with her. sorry about that has... i apologise for it. she was in afoul mood and i just wanted to go home that i packed my bags. she grabbed my bag and i jus led it go, throwin my drawing block, and it accidentally hit her face. i then just ran like hell towarrds the Tanah merah interchange. saw mr wong..smile..had to.. i went to Changi airport..never went out of the sttion and turn back. when back to school, sam was there. she pulled me to the front of the general office. saw mrs vytialingam... sam asked me why? i told her that i was scared, scared of not seeing mr xxx again...i cried..then has came, she asked me WHY DID I ALWAYS RUN AWAY? don't know lah..
we continued to do our at, sam, maths.
saw mr yyy go home, sam signalled me and also woke me up from my afternoon nap on the table. i was energetic, suddenly. he drove, but he look.haha
then sam , has and i went to eastpoint then tampiness mall. went back to school, and at first level i saw this person, who has the same but of that mr yyy. i thought it was him, and it was.by this time he was at level 2 already. i shouted sam name, but i didn't realised that it was loud. he look,but then look front. i don't know why, but i don't really bother..he has change his clothe then... i continued my art..fyd was at the library, me went to her. then ais came from d & t. fyd went home. the p talked to us... cikgu sazali also did. mr ong bird escaped but he managed to get it back..poor bird, but even if it escaped would it be abled to survive?
went to bedok library, sam went home already.
i sleep for like 1 hour,went to NTUC, then go home.
tomorrow is grad day..it is at 2 p.m.. nervous, scared...but i only have one wish left, ps be there mr xxx. ais said that if he is there, she would take a pic of him..ps may that come true too. i want to end good with him but i just don't know how. lets see what happens tomorrow.

wah today is a very dunno day for me...
me came early to school today...

today i found out that mr xxx is sick. it is nearly 3 weeks already. where the hell is he? i wonder if he is alright. hope he is find. i may sound selfish, but i hope he would come to my grad day this saturday...ps come..see him for the last time...



mr yyy, wah today last lesson with him.. me wah speechless... he tried to communicate with me, i tried my best but i don't know, just kept smiling...has said i look like kerang busuk..
tangan said >>>> treasure the moment. then later said 'left 3o minutes' in malay. mr yyy heard that and look down. his face turned red. ais told me about that.
then after his class at the bird cage, saw him(mr yyy) again. he look at me and like nod his head. he went to our table and said 'ur still going strong' and if we see any other teachers after grad can ask question'... then ais asked him a m question, then he goes home.

it is a aleepy day for me... i bought ribena and was so furious when it eas missing. my bro kept it at the other refrigerator. dunno why i am reacting like this. i even cried. guess i am a bit stress.

11 oct 2006 events above.. now 1.01 a.m

wah today is a very dunno day for me...
me came early to school today...

today i found out that mr xxx is sick. it is nearly 3 weeks already. where the hell is he? i wonder if he is alright. hope he is find. i may sound selfish, but i hope he would come to my grad day this saturday...ps come..see him for the last time...



mr yyy, wah today last lesson with him.. me wah speechless... he tried to communicate with me, i tried my best but i don't know, just kept smiling...has said i look like kerang busuk..
tangan said >>>> treasure the moment. then later said 'left 3o minutes' in malay. mr yyy heard that and look down. his face turned red. ais told me about that.
then after his class at the bird cage, saw him(mr yyy) again. he look at me and like nod his head. he went to our table and said 'ur still going strong' and if we see any other teachers after grad can ask question'... then ais asked him a m question, then he goes home.

it is a aleepy day for me... i bought ribena and was so furious when it eas missing. my bro kept it at the other refrigerator. dunno why i am reacting like this. i even cried. guess i am a bit stress.

11 oct 2006 events above.. now 1.01 a.m

wow... im leavin soon...bit scared...

today cried for mr xxx, yes i admit that it has been a long time since i've seen you. i expected to see you yesterday, in the hall, but it was a dissapointment. i even ignored mr yyy. my wish for you to be there in the hall with me was shattered. and weird because the penasihat smiled at me...to me the penasihat is mr xxx girlfriend. weeird huh..she usually frown at me.
then today when i came to school yourr name was not at the absenties board. i thought that there was hope. then when i saw the teachers name at the staff desk, mrr xxx name wasn't there, only the co form teacher...but mr yyy and his co form teacher name was there. i'm terrified that i can't see him again... where r u? im worried... i cried and cried throughout the art lesson.
then my best friend asked me if i use mr yyy as a substitution... i then realised that i was... how selfish was i? if mr yyy knows about this, wouldn't he be sad. i kept asking myself..



then, after recess, i was supposecd to go for malay, but i went for english instead.
i saw mr yyy at the hall. i was happy, bt i can't face him somehow. he walked passed by me, and i just smile. thinking that he had walked away i smiled like hell. then my best friend,has, gave me this stack of papers. then mr yyy suddenly bent towards me and was so closed to me. i was shocked. my best friend, ais told me that mr yyy saw me smle, that he direcly bent towards me. ais saw the whole thing. my best friend has and fyd saw it oo. only my other b.friend did not notice.
from that moment onwards, i realised that mr yyy is not a substitution. he saw me and look many times after school hours was over. he was at the front of the staff office. caught eyes with him..haha

everything happens for a reason.... mr yyy is married with children..time for me to say sayonara to him. don't want to go in deeper. its difficult. so...huh...sign



today ais got breathing difficulties. we tried to help, but she got mad instead. don understand. we only told her mother, thinks that she needs to know. but sadly her mom like don care. i dun understand, i've always thought that she and her mom are in good terms. has cried, cause of ais attitude.has tried to help, but you know when people are angry... dun understand....

its been two weeks...i still survived....


graduating soon...directly next week..im so sad that everything has to end so soon. i'll miss mr xxx.(i think)confused...

so scared of grad, miss the old times...




my friends and i play a family game...
me..mami... got 4 best frends..all b my daughter..this mr yyy, became their daddy. i think i like him alot, but too bad..he is Married. but its o.k...because im leaving anyway, so my feelings won't go deeper..everything happens for a reason...
but thanks to mr yyy, my feelings for mr xxx...i appreciate it mr yyy.


today saw mr yyy,
thinks he knows that i have a crush on him....but he is o.k...he doesn't avoid me or show any discontent towards me, unlike mr xxx. thanks mr yyy, for making this two weeks a happy one for me... i will always remember you...and the last time at e klas thingy, sori to have laugh..didn't mean to hurt you.... i apologize for that...thank u...for being a part of me...





can't believe today is my last lesson with mr yyy..asked him a question....k...ah...





still fasting...2 weeks already.. i wasted one day because, this teacher ask me to run around the school less than 3 min. wah i cannot take it, at 8 something, i break fast..iman tak kuat sangat...

to this dearest someone..if i could write a letter to you...i would write




dear mr xxx,

i would lke to tell you that i have been carrying a torch for you all this while. and i love you so much, and i would die for you. i know you don't want to be in this kind of situation, and i am sorry for that, i just can't help it. i know it is not your fault, but it is just that fate gave me this feeling for you, but he didn't gave you the feelin for you. i am really fond of you....and i want you, love you, and starts a family with you,but i know that i couldn't have what i want with you. but i want to tell you that seeing yoy, smile especially, gave me this joyous feelings. i do admit that i am quite selfish, quess cause i'm young. please forgive me for the bad things i did to you, especally if you are angry and offended. e.g when you were eating i made a disgusting sound, and you gave me this shocking look...i'm sorry, i was a bit jealous.....you will always be in my memory. the tears i cried for you is WORTH IT. you are the special someone that is in my heart. because of you, i got over this +++++ jerk. because of you, i had the opportunity to feel the joyous feelings and i appreciate that. thanks for being a part of me. i hope we could end good. i love you _________________. you are the special someone that has grabbed my heart and also broken it. i don't expect you to mend it, but don't keep steeping on it. i love you, i love you, and i will always remember you.



_n_h_i_ 2006





if only i could write to you.....but i don't want to cause any more problems for you. i know you are not that well. i know you took medi cert for few weeks, but hope you o.k...

i'm still surviving.... and manage.... hope my last wish came true in this place.. so ps made this last wish of me in this place for me come true. then if we must part than be it....




its been a week, and i am so miserable....but i should stay strong. be the girl i used to be, strong and doesn't get emotionally hurt easily...

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